whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
