90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
