Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
