i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
