She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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