you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
