Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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