Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
