remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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