Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
