I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
