please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
