doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Two words: nipple clamps
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