the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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