Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
