plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
