I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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