that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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