oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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