It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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