At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
