I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
