My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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