She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
