All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
