Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Pants are for mortals
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
