at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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