the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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