I will die if light touches me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My life is pants optional.
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