I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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