I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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