a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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