The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I understand Curling. That high.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
