I think my vagina is haunted
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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