my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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