he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
