god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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