Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
