I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
