I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
