How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
