I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
