Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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