Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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