you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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