i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
