I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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