she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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