My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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