my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
