weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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