My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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