the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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